Why We Find It So Hard to Say Something Nice

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There’s an odd, almost primal discomfort that arises when faced with the prospect of giving a compliment. You know the feeling—you're chatting with a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger, and suddenly it hits you: I should say something nice here. You pause, the moment stretches like taffy, and instead of the kind words that are waiting in the wings, you blurt out something like, “Wow, that shirt is... memorable. I wish I had the confidence to wear that.”

And just like that, the window of opportunity slams shut, and you’re left wondering how a simple “I like your shirt” turned into a passive-aggressive critique of their fashion choices.

Why is it so hard to say something genuinely nice? It’s not as if compliments are heavy, expensive, or illegal to distribute—though judging by how rarely we hand them out, you’d think there was a tax on niceness. It should be easy to recognize someone’s strengths or celebrate their small victories, but instead, we wrestle with awkward pauses, overanalyze, and sometimes, we just skip the compliment altogether.

The Fear of Sounding Fake

One reason compliments are so difficult is the gnawing fear that we’ll come off as insincere. Complimenting someone can feel like walking a tightrope, where on one side, you risk gushing like a fan at a boy band concert, and on the other, you sound like you’re phoning it in, checking a box on your list of human interactions.

This is why people often hedge their compliments with qualifiers like, “I mean, I wouldn’t wear those shoes, but they look great on you.” Sure, you’re trying to make the compliment seem more genuine, but all you’ve done is issue a backhanded slap with a side of confused admiration. What was once a moment of connection has now turned into a mind game where both parties walk away unsure whether to be flattered or mildly offended.

The Competitive Compliment

Then there’s the weird competition aspect. Compliments can sometimes feel like social currency—give too many, and you’ll be viewed as a bit of a brown-noser; give too few, and you’re the office grump. We dole them out like rationed goods, afraid that if we give too many, we’ll lose our credibility as hard-nosed critics of the world.

There’s also the internal struggle when you’re on the receiving end of a compliment. Do I return the favor? Is this a game of compliment tennis? It’s like a mental math equation: “If they say they like my jacket, but I don’t notice anything exceptional about their outfit, can I just say ‘thank you,’ or am I obligated to compliment them back on something, anything?” Before you know it, you’re telling them how much you admire their handwriting, and the whole exchange feels forced and phony.

The Suspicion Factor

For some reason, we've developed a kind of suspicion about compliments. Maybe it's because we’ve been burned by false flattery in the past. There’s nothing quite as disorienting as being complimented by someone who clearly has an agenda. “Oh, you’re so great with spreadsheets!”—and you just know the next sentence is going to involve a request for help with a weekend project that will suck up your Saturday like a black hole.

We’ve all learned to detect when someone is buttering us up for their own gain, and because of that, we’ve become wary of anyone who says something nice. Compliments have been tainted by ulterior motives. We hear a “Nice tie!” and immediately wonder if they’re about to ask for a ride to the airport.

Compliment Paralysis

Finally, there’s the simple fact that we often overthink compliments to the point of paralysis. Should you compliment someone on something personal, like their appearance, or should you stick to safer ground, like their performance at work? Is it appropriate to compliment a co-worker on their great new haircut, or does that edge into awkward territory?

Compliment paralysis is real, folks. It’s the reason so many people say nothing at all, staring in silence as the opportunity for kindness floats away like a helium balloon. It’s not that we don’t want to be nice—it’s just that we’ve gotten so tangled up in the dos and don’ts of politeness that we forget how simple it can be.

The Simplicity of Sincerity

Here’s the truth: a genuine compliment doesn’t need to be perfect or profound. You don’t need to overthink it or strategize like you’re playing 3D chess. The most powerful compliments are the simple ones—the honest recognition of something you appreciate about another person, whether it’s their laugh, their work ethic, or yes, even their shirt (memorable though it may be).

In a world that can feel overwhelmingly indifferent, a small compliment can be a flicker of warmth—a moment of human connection that costs nothing but means a lot. And the more you give them, the more natural it becomes. Just think of it as exercise for your kindness muscles.

So next time you’re struck by the urge to say something nice, don’t let the moment pass you by. Go ahead and say it. I guarantee the world won’t fall apart if you tell someone their smile brightened your day. And who knows, maybe they’ll return the favor. If not, at least you’ll leave them wondering what on earth you want from them.